AHMADINEJAD OFFERS GIFT TO ISRAEL

JEWLARIOUS SATIRE: After he announced an "Easter gift" to England, releasing 15 naval officers illegally captured in Iraqi waters, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced a "Pre-Shavuous Gift to Israel" - a new peace initiative for the Middle East. Calling his plan a "trial balloon which we offer the vermin and infidels in the spirit of true brotherhood and understanding," Ahmadinejad offered, in his words, "a plan which Israel must accept or face complete annihilation."

At a Tehran-based Press Conference, Ahmadinejad unveiled his central tenet: "Israel must withdraw to the 586 B.C.E. borders when they were exiled from the land by our Babylonian cousins, and must allow all of the native sheep and goats displaced in any conflicts and their offspring to return."

Seated beside Ahmadinejad, UN Envoy to the Middle East, Alvaro de Soto, immediately applauded the plan, stating, "We see this as a constructive way forward. We admire the Iranian President's courage and his boldness in offering fresh and untested ideas." A testy Ahmadinejad continued, "I am not done yet and if you interrupt again, I will break your arm. We demand that as part of the peace process, Iran be allowed to make its nuclear weapons program operational and will use such weapons on any Israeli who returns." A cautious De Soto called the proposal, "reasonable and workable - ideas which will not change the daily life of any Israeli citizen." He then paused and added, "Please don't break my arm."

Rounding out his plan, Ahmadinejad added, "We demand that all the locusts and pestilence currently living in the land of Mohamed convert to Islam and stop pretending that the Holocaust happened. We require the country of Lucifer's children to change its name to 'Iran' and absolve itself of democracy. We insist that the Iron Shiek be recognized as the greatest WWF wrestler of all time and be placed on all coins and stamps circulating in the region." When pressed Ahmadinejad conceded that, if Israel met his conditions, Iran would consider normalizing relations with "Satan's earthly messengers of hell and damnation" within five to ten years.

In response to the Ahmadinejad Plan, Israeli Government Spokesman, Mark Regev, declared the plan, "absurd as can be" and added, "even the recognition of the Iron Shiek - the most logical point of the bunch -- is really a non-starter."

Danish President, Anders Fogh Rasmussen, then criticized Israel, stating, "This narrow-mindedness is typical of Israel. Why won't Israel change its name to Iran and give up all democratic rights for peace?" Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg added, "This could be an Iranian Oslo, but Israel just can't see the mutual benefits herein."

Embracing the plan, former President Jimmy Carter called for, "universal recognition and acceptance" and called on the Nobel Committee to award its Peace Prize to Ahmadinejad immediately. Carter added, "If they gave one to Arafat, how hard would it be to get Ahmadinejad one?"

Contacted in Syria, Bashar Assad added, "This plan is just crazy enough to work."

The original, and more funny stuff, can be found at: http://www.aish.com/jewlarious/

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Slams Israeli Scientific Breakthrough

International World Jewish News, Tel Aviv, Israel

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, while being interviewed by the press late last night, let it slip that doctors in Israel have just made the scientific breakthrough of the ages. However, world reaction was swift. Muslims around the globe are rioting and burning effigies. President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, in his visit with EU leaders, is reported to have shouted that it was for things like this that the Zionist Entity must be wiped off the map. E.U. scientists attending a conference in Jerusalem were quick to distance themselves from the Israeli scientific community. The U.N. Security Council released a statement condemning Israel and the P.A. put out a jarring attack through PA Radio saying they had always suspected Israel's role in the death of their beloved leader Yassar Arafat and that this is direct proof. In Rome this morning when the Pope was given the news, he just nodded his head and said he expected as much while in Washington President Bush decided he wanted rice for dinner after all.

In Jerusalem the Knesset went into emergency session, many pointing fingers relating this new situation to Olmert's inept handling of the recent war in Lebanon this past summer. Labor party members are saying this new slip of the tongue is not good for the country and are threatening to call for a vote of no confidence.

International World Jewish News was able to catch Dr. Shmuel Jabinsky, the lead researcher, near The Technion, which is the Israel Institute of Technology, in Haifa earlier today. The following interview took place.

IWJN: Dr. Jabinisky, What lead to this amazing discovery?
Dr. J: Well we have always expected this was the case and the more we studied geriatrics the more convinced we became.
IWJN: Can you elaborate?
Dr. J: Well yes, um, to put it in layman's terms, well, you read about all those in scripture of this person begat so and so who then begat someone else and so on. There was a lot of begatting going on. Yes, well, but if that is true then where is everyone? The world should be a lot more crowded.
IWJN: Dr. Jabinsky, are you saying...
DR. J: Yes of course, our theory has been proven as fact without doubt.
IWJN: And that is?
Dr. J: The infinite structure of the molecular and cellular genome has been proven to be the antithesis of ad infinitum.
IWJN: Can you restate in words our readers can understand Doctor?
Dr. J: Yes, of course, well, um, life is terminal my dear, terminal.

Note: Due to some of the comments I have received on this I need to say that this is satire. Unfortunately it isn't far from the truth.

Morning News from Israel

JERUSALEM BREAKING NEWS

With auto sales down, soaring prices at the pump along with a future possibility of fuel rationing, Israeli auto companies are adjusting with the introduction of the Desert Glider. Although slower on the straight stretch, the Desert Glider, with all terrain drive, has top fuel efficiency and is able to go where no one has gone before. See your local dealer to arrange a demonstration today.

IDF LOOSES AMERICAN FUNDING

In a surprise visit to inspect IDF retraining efforts to overcome last summers balagan, government officials landed right in the middle of heavy training exercises. They wanted to see first hand the new equipment the Americans had left after their most recent disengagement of aid and arms shippments to Israel, and what the pull back of American aid actually looked like.

BEAUTY OF OUR PEOPLE

Memories of Bubba are few
But her face was beautiful
In the candle light
With the beauty of our People.

Remember the Shabbat
And keep it Holy
Six days we are given to work
On the seventh we rest.

You shall love the Lord your G-d
With all your heart
With all your soul
With all your strength.

Six million
Blessed are You O Lord our G-d
You raise the poor from the dust
And lift the beggar from the ash heap.

Sound the shofar in Zion
And the children laugh in Hebrew
In the candle light
With the beauty of our People.